Quiet Confidence

For most of my life I've been a people pleasing approval addict(yes that's a real thing). Mostly impart to my disability and wanting people to like me, I always felt like I had to keep a happy face and demeanor to match to prove I wasn't bitter about my life. In the 80's this was a common stereotype about persons with disabilities. It was also common for me to say a lot of what people wanted to hear so as to not argue or worse lose friends.

As I got older and metaphorically found my voice I felt so excited just to hear myself speak, whenever I spoke up expressing exactly what I wanted. Even so I still was self conscious about "how did I sound" "did I make sense"... lots of little voices going in my mind.  I felt I had a long way to go. Fast forward 20 years to about a week ago. I was meeting with someone regarding recertification for residency where I live. We were almost done yet discussing something of a mathematical concept I should have caught onto quicker. The more I didn't understand the more questions I asked and therefore the more frustrated the person I was speaking to got. It got to the point where I felt uncomfortable and I found myself calmly, yet firmly and directly asking "Are you mad at me?" Followed by "I'm not a stupid person, I feel you're being condescending to me" I Couldn't Believe It! The words just came out, no hot flushed face, no second guessing what I said and no nervous shakes! This could've gone totally different since I had been awake for about 12hrs and it was after 12noon.  The person didn't exactly apologize, I really wasn't looking for one yet her patience level, demeanor and treatment of me got better. Leaving the meeting, I felt a quiet confidence that I hadn't in a long time. And I couldn't help think about how I believe it relates to being a wedding planner and a bride during the planning process.... It's almost midnight so... More Tomorrow!